NOAA Denies Existence of Mermaids- Hipster Ariel Hardest Hit

In an announcement a few months too late for April Fool's Day, the NOAA issued a statement denying the existence of mermaids earlier this month.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration was reportedly promted to issue the statement after fielding a number of inquiries from the public in response to the Discovery Channel airing a mock documentary called Mermaids: The Body Found.

"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," the NOS said in a post on its website.

The conclusion was apparently not based on research but was drawn from publicly available resources.

"We don't have a mermaid service programme," a spokeswoman told the BBC, prompting sighs of relief from American tax payers.

At least two people wrote to the agency demanding answers after the Discovery Channel broadcast a programme called, Mermaids: The Body Found.

The show was shot in a documentary style and was described as painting "wildly convincing picture of the existence of mermaids".

When reached for comment, one bespectacled mermaid who declined to give her name defiantly declared "I totally existed- Long before it went mainstream!" without a hint of irony.

However, while cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon, the unnamed mermaid was reportedly contemplating trading her mermaid lifestyle in exchange for life on land and completion of her vinyl record collection.