Mets Players Play With Adorable Puppies Before Game At Citi Field- Puppies Go On to Beat Stunned Mets By a 10-1 Final

An embarrassed New York Mets GM Sandy Alderson was left at a loss to explain to the sports media his struggling club's recent loss to a disorganized gaggle of puppies who were part of a pregame ceremony encouraging fans to adopt from the North Shore Animal League.

The pups were brought out onto the field in an enclosed pen where Mets relief pitchers Tom Byrdak and LaTroy Hawkins posed for pictures with the playful canines and volunteers from the animal shelter.

However, the playful little doggies were all business once it was time for the first pitch, scoring 10 unanswered runs off of the Mets bullpen in the top of the 7th inning. Previously, the Mets had been nursing a 1-0 lead on an Eric Young RBI double off the little border collie puppy that liked to roll around on the dirt in the pitcher's mound.

Met's starter Jonathon Niese was on track for the win until the 7th inning implosion and could only shake his head while watching the 3-week old puppies run roughshod over his team from the Mets dugout. His postgame comments were limited to a few terse words on how the puppies showed up to play and found a way to win.

Alderson had expressed hopes in comments to New York Post that his team would be better prepared for next week's home finale, which will be against the kittens from the Smithtown, NY-based Long Island Feline Adoption Center.

NOAA Denies Existence of Mermaids- Hipster Ariel Hardest Hit

In an announcement a few months too late for April Fool's Day, the NOAA issued a statement denying the existence of mermaids earlier this month.

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration was reportedly promted to issue the statement after fielding a number of inquiries from the public in response to the Discovery Channel airing a mock documentary called Mermaids: The Body Found.

"No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found," the NOS said in a post on its website.

The conclusion was apparently not based on research but was drawn from publicly available resources.

"We don't have a mermaid service programme," a spokeswoman told the BBC, prompting sighs of relief from American tax payers.

At least two people wrote to the agency demanding answers after the Discovery Channel broadcast a programme called, Mermaids: The Body Found.

The show was shot in a documentary style and was described as painting "wildly convincing picture of the existence of mermaids".

When reached for comment, one bespectacled mermaid who declined to give her name defiantly declared "I totally existed- Long before it went mainstream!" without a hint of irony.

However, while cracking open a Pabst Blue Ribbon, the unnamed mermaid was reportedly contemplating trading her mermaid lifestyle in exchange for life on land and completion of her vinyl record collection.

BREAKING: White House Situation Room Photos Indicate Bin Laden Raid Took Place Much Earlier Than Announced, Situation Room Photos Doctored

The successful raid of Osama Bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan had since been followed up by a number of contradictory statements from the White House and allegations that the situation room photo released by the White House was in fact staged.

Now a leaked photo from White House sources has not only called the Administration's timeline of events into question, but even the veracity of the situation room photo that was released by the Administration.

My highly confidential and trustworthy White House sources have hinted that the SEAL raid on Bin Laden's hideout actually took place earlier and coincided with another event that had generated much international interest; the Royal Wedding at Westminster Abbey.

However, the raid also overlapped with the official White House Royal Wedding viewing party, and guests actually watched both events unfold in real-time on multiple screens in the situation room.

The above photo, believed by many anonymous insiders to be the original and unmodified situation room photo, seems to confirm this version of events and it's likely the White House waited nearly 48 hours to make the announcement in order to disseminate the doctored photos showing White House Staff, Pentagon brass and Administation officials.


When reached for comment on how the Obama Administration and Pentagon officials were able to get so many copies of her now-infamous hat in advance, a spokeswoman for Princess Beatrice of York had no comment about the hat, but pointed out that the 23 year old daughter of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson had lost some weight, was the first Royal to run in the London marathon and looks 'positively smashing' in a bikini these days.
Well- who am I to argue?

Obama Press Secretary Robert Gibbs Announces He's Stepping Down to Reprise Role of PC in 'I'm a Mac and I'm a PC' Ads

Gibbs (left) Before Being Appointed White House Press Secretary, extolled the joys of being a featureless and underperforming PC

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced that he would be stepping down next month to purse opportunities outside the White House and possibly reprise his role as the stuffy and businesslike PC in Apple's minimalist but popular 'Get a Mac' series of advertisements.

Transitioning from Obama Administration Press Secretary to seemingly earnest spokesman for an underwhelming product that promises little and delivers even less should be a fairly smooth transition, one advertising expert told Not Another New England Sports Blog!

Gibbs began at the White House in January 2009, while the popular Apple commercials only ran for another year. It is thought that Gibbs will reunite with his younger, more casual and hip counterpart, Mac, when the ads resume at some indeterminate point in time.

Not Another New England Sports Blog! Presents the Gawker-Friendly October Surprise Press Kit

In the wake of the apparent Gawker fiasco involving an alleged one night stand with Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell by an anonymous author, I though I'd offer a press kit for future 'October surprises' centering around two consenting adults who may or may not have had sex (but probably not in the instance Gawker has highlighted).....particularly if the candidate is a fairly attractive woman running for office as a Republican.

Just use this template for future press releases or disclosures to the tabloid and watch the attention you've so desperately been whoring for come crashing in like a tidal wave:

Dear [insert publication or website name here] ________________:

I never thought it could happen to a guy like me. This took place a few years ago when I was a

[] Superbowl MVP Quarterback

[] Army Force Recon SAS Ranger SEAL Commando

[] Secret Agent Billionaire Cowboy

[] Deadbeat College Student.

It was Halloween and I had been pounding

[] Jello Shooters

[] Budweiser

[] Black Tar Heroin

[] Absinthe poured into an upside down bowler hat

all afternoon when in walked my roomate's girlfriend's cousin's sister's best friend and her classmates. I could tell they all wanted me so bad, but I was all like "Yeah, whatever" as I looked up from the

[] XBox

[] Nintendo 64

[] Laser Tag

[] Gaming platform yet to be invented.

I've gotten used to it with this cursed animal magnetism of mine totally drawing the shorties to me like a moth to flame. But still, it get's annoying after awhile, and one look from my steely azure eyes let them know that I was so not interested.

But this one chick wouldn't take the hint. For her Halloween costume, she was dressed up like

[] A Ladybug

[] A Maid

[] A Bellydancer

[] That Asian Dominatrix I pay to strangle me every week.

It was a good look for her, but she threw off this sort of desperate and clingy vibe that made me uneasy. Plus I couldn't help but shake the feeling that she would some day be in the running for

[] Congress

[] US Senate

[] Governor

[] America's Top Model

on a number of issues that made this 100% red blooded and heterosexual all American ladykiller who isn't afraid to show his sensitive side more than a little nervous. At this point she asked me if she could change right there and before I could even respond, her costume was already in a heap on the floor and [sordid details redacted] _____________________________.

[insert ambiguous and unverifiable boast about your unmatched sexual prowess over hapless, naked, mousy future political candidate here _______________________.]

Then she got all clingy and would like e-mail me and text me every month and be all "The restraining order says 50 feet- why is that so hard for you to understand?" "Hey- do you wanna hang out?". This chick would seriously not leave me alone, but being well versed in the art of seducing women I had absolutely no interest in, I was used to it. I didn't give it too much though at the time until just recently when I was watching TV and saw footage of

[] Christine O'Donnell

[] Nikki Haley

[] Yulia Tymoshenko

[] Lousie Slaughter

and I was like "Oh my god! That's so totally the chick that wouldn't leave me alone!". I mean..... "That's so totally one of the many chicks who won't leave me alone because I'm so awesome in the sack that I always leave them panting for more".

Why am I writing this, you may ask? Some of you out there might think I did it for the six figure check [insert name of publication or website______] cut me while others might think this anonymous, one-sided version of events is simply self serving bragging about one-night stands to compensate for experimenting with my bunkmate at the all-boys sleepaway camp advertise my Lothario-like charms and unmatched allure to all the chicks out there. To that, all I can say is 'shame on you'.

No, my pure and unselfish reasons for doing this are to warn you of the consequences of voting for somebody I totally did.

Well...OK, technically I didn't 'do' her, but she was like right there in front of me, and her being in the same room as me is clearly an indication of her longing for an unforgettable carnal encounter with yours truly, and she probably knew I was going to ditch her anyways.

So in closing, don't forget to vote for

[] Chris Coons

[] Vincent Sheheen

[] Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

[] Keyser Soze

on November 2nd.

-Sincerely

Anonymous dude who's totally awesome in bed

Vuvuzelas Prompt Voluntary Evacuation From District 9

Prolonged exposure to the noise emanating from the plastic monotonic wind instrument has prompted some of the residents of Johannesburg's District 9 to voluntarily evacuate the alien-only enclave. Interestingly, although the South African government and private parties such as Multi-National United (MNU) had made arrangements for new quarters in District 10, many of the alien visitors opted to return to the stranded mothership or self-immolation.

One unidentified alien (known locally as 'prawns') was quoted as saying "skcch sch skkkkch scristch" which was roughly translated as "I would gladly welcome death's sweet embrace before listening to another second of those damned plastic trumpets".

MNU is already considering adding the vuvuzela to it's already considerable arsenal to maintain order among the alien districts.

Other World Cup News: Dr. Stephan Coetzee, the director for South Africa's National Vuvuzela Philharmonic Orchestra, has recently complained of soccer games between internationally ranked teams breaking out in the middle of his Orchestra's performances. Spontaneous matches have marred every concert since the start of the Vuvuzela Philharmonic's opening performance on June 11.

Team Uruguay is feeling confident heading into their match with Mexico. At a press conference the other day, Uruguay's team captain confidently declared "We'll eat them alive". When it was pointed out that the team that was stranded in the Andes and had to resort to cannibalism after surviving a plane crash was in fact a rugby team, not a soccer team the captain withdrew his statement, but expressed that he was confident his team was better prepared and would emerge victorious.

Hamas Operative Slain in UAE; Priceline Negotiator Sought For Questioning

"You are an enemy of the State of Israel and must die! Also...you paid too much for this hotel room"

Apparently Hamas is finding out the hard way what happens when their leadership books their travel arrangements online.

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip — A Hamas leader assassinated during a visit to Dubai last month exposed himself to attack when he breached security protocol by talking about his trip over the phone and making hotel reservations on the Internet, the militant Islamic group said Saturday.

The methodical stalking and killing of Mahmoud al-Mabhouh in a luxury hotel room — widely been blamed on Israel's Mossad spy agency — has put Hamas on the defensive over purported security lapses..

[Oh no! And here I am with my world's smallest violin in the shop- NANESB!]

So if Hamas has members of their leadership whacked while travelling abroad after booking travel arrangements online, does that Orbitz guy in the hovercraft come by and cut them a check or something?

I actually have my doubts about Al-Mabhouh's killers working for the Mossad. It just seems a little too convenient, not to mention a little too sloppy for their agents to get caught on multiple surveillance systems. It could be a matter of infighting within the Palestinian Authority or Hamas' benefactors not being satisfied with the precipitous decline of dead Israeli civilians attributed to Hamas. Apparently Al-Mabhouh's killers also travelled on EU or United Kingdom-issued passports, which might be a little too complex to have originated from Gaza and brings us back to the possibility of a nation-state sponsored killing of Al-Mabhouh. Again, Israel seems like an obvious choice, but this could also be a matter of Hamas' nation-state sponsors choosing sides in an internal power struggle and helping Hamas leadership 'clean house'.

But with that in mind, has anybody seen William Shatner lately? I'm just sayin.....

[Hat tip: Jammie Wearing Fool]

President Obama Offers Unconditional Apology to Prime Minister of Canada for 'Arrogant' USA Men's Hockey Victory

In a letter dated Sunday and delivered to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, President Barack Obama apologized for USA Men's Hockey 5-3 win over host country Canada.

According to sources, Obama said Team USA had "shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive" toward opponents in the tournament.

"In stopping 45 of 48 shots on goal, I believe that USA Goaltender Bode Miller acted stupidly towards the host nation and should return his ill-gotten gold medal without any further delay..." read one particularly scathing portion of the letter that Harper's office released to the public. "In this misguided and unilateral action, which is clearly a result of the failed policies of the last 8 years, Team USA has singlehandedly undone the 13 months of goodwill I have personally established with our neighbors to the north. Some of these players have shown an antipathy towards teams that are not their own, and they'll bitterly cling to their sticks or a two-goal lead."

When questioned about the letter, USA netminder Ryan Miller told NANESB! sources "Wow- really? He said that, huh? First of all, my name is Ryan. Last time I checked Bode Miller was a skier. Second- we haven't won anything yet. Tonight's game was still in the preliminaries."

The White House has reportedly been in contact with IOC officials to lobby for a belated forefit of tonight's game.

"C'mon! We got guys wearing these f*cking retarded 'Support the Troops' or Uncle Sam masks in what's supposed to be an international tournament" Rahm Emmanuel said in a conference earlier. "They can't get disqualified for that? Are you sh*tting me?"

Alpine skier Bode Miller was busy posing for pictures of him sinking his teeth into his gold medal and unavailable for comment.

BREAKING: Pennsylvania Rodent Outperforms Al Gore, RFK Jr. In Climate Prediction Accuracy

Punxsatawney Phil sez: "Bundle up, SUCKAS!"

A little over a week ago, Punxsutawney Phil had predicted six more weeks of winter. Although somewhat ambiguous in his forecasting, the Western Pennsylvania resident probably didn't appreciate how right he had it when barely a week later, a series of winter storms moved in and dumped nearly 3 feet of snow in Baltimore, Philadelphia, Washington D.C. and elsewhere in the Mid-Atlantic. Highways, railroads and airports in the region ground to a halt and the federal government shut down [altho' with this Congress and administration, that isn't necessarily such a bad thing- NANESB!]. A few days later, the reigon was hit by a second storm that dumped an additional foot of snow before moving on to New York and New England.

Spreading ManBearPig Awareness

Phil's intuitive forecast has called into question the longer-term predictions of climate experts Al Gore and Robert Kennedy Junior. Some scientists have questioned the more alarmist predictions the former Vice President made in his film An Inconvenient Truth while the total cumulative snowfall in the Washington DC area from this week alone has exceeded anything that Robert F Kennedy Jr. has seen in his lifetime.

So in these trying and turbulent times of record cold and snowfall throughout the nation, who should you trust? A Keystone State Rodent or various well-compensated 'experts' with private jets and multiple spacious homes who never miss an opportunity to remind us that commuting 20 miles to our $12 an hour jobs in a Nissan Sentra is eventually going to bring about Armageddon?

I'm going to have to say go with the groundhog. It's already been a pretty rough week for the 'experts'.

BREAKING STORY- SENATOR-ELECT SCOTT BROWN (R-MA) LINKED TO SECRETIVE, HEAVILY ARMED MILITA GROUP!

The crack research staff at Not Another New England Sports Blog! has just uncovered Senator-elect Scott Brown's (R-MA) ties to a heavily armed militia group known to congregate in New England. Reportedly the group assembles one weekend a month and two weeks a year and was reportedly active in the Boston area during the 2004 Democratic National Convention and has also been seen with weaponry in and around Logan airport.

The group has a long history in the region and is best known for inciting violence against authority figures shortly after it's founding.

A spokesman for Scott Brown was unable to take our inquiries seriously and declined to comment, but this photo NANESB! obtained would indicate that Brown has risen to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel within the organization.

Notorious Yankee Fan Curt Schilling Endorses Scott Brown; Draws Ire From Coakley Campaign

First off, I have to admit that it's getting increasingly difficult to parody Massachusetts AG Martha Coakley's Senate bid when her real-world campaign has made numerous gaffes in the last week or so.

Normally soft-spoken and reserved former teammate of Manny Ortez and infamous Yankee fan Curt Schilling has waded into the Massachusetts senate race and not only endorsed GOP candidate Scott Brown, but has started campaigning for him while writing several entries highly critical of Martha Coakley's campaign in his blog, 38 Pitches.

Although retired from baseball, Schilling still resides in Massachusetts and has started up 38Studios, an electronic entertainment and gaming company. Those of you who don't remember the Red Sox starting pitcher's bold proclimation that "I'm not sure I can think of any scenario more enjoyable than making 55,000 people from New York shut up." prior to the 2004 ALCS against the archrival New York Yankees and Game 6 of the series- sometimes known as the 'bloody sock' game- where the Schilling was the winning pitcher and the Red Sox had come back to tie the series 3 games each after being down 0-3, chances are you probably weren't alive yet!

In response, the Coakley campaign has fired back with a pair of devestating ads questioning Scott Brown's connections to the NY Yankees and former Red Sox 1st baseman Bill Buckner [feel free to KGB it if you want to know when he played- NANESB!].

[Hat Tips: 38Pitches; The Nose on Your Face]

George Steinbrenner Spotted At Yankees Winter Meetings; Demon-Slayer Van Helsing Apologizes for 'Rookie Mistake'

The New York Daily News reported last week that Yankees owner George Steinbrenner was not only alive and well, but taking part in the club's winter meetings in Tampa, FL.

The Boss took part in Thursday's organizational meetings in Tampa, the final phase of the Yankees' offseason planning before Brian Cashman can start shaping the roster for 2010.

Steinbrenner's two sons took over day-to-day operations of the team in 2007, after the senior vampire's ill-fated encounter with accomplished demonslayer Abraham Van Helsing.

On Wednesday, VanHelsing issued a brief statement:

"Two years ago, I had the vampire known as Steinbrenner cornered and subdued in Tampa thanks in part to an abundance of crucifixes and garlic. Wary of the presence of otherwoldy beasts like Hank and Cash Man, I had to swiftly retreat as the helpless Steinbrenner sought refuge in a casket. I realize now I made a rookie mistake in not driving a stake through the vampire's heart when I had the chance, and now all of Major League Baseball is paying the price. I sincerely and contritely apologize for my grievous error"

When reporters attemped to contact VanHelsing's offices yesterday, they were immediately routed to a recorded message with contact information for the demonslayer's publicist.

UPDATE: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be Charged For Not Having Approved Health Insurance Coverage

Not Another New England Sports Blog! learned from undisclosed sources earlier today that Khalid Shiekh Mohammed will face trial in a Federal Court in New York City in a pilot program from the Department of Justice. The 45 year old Al Qaeda operative and part-time Ron Jeremy impersonator was arrested in Pakistan in 2003 and has been in American custody since then.

Legal analysts tell NANESB! that this is a potentially risky move by Attorney General Eric Holder. First, there is the claim that Mohammed isn't even an American citicizen and would not be required to enroll in an approved plan. Also complicating matters for the Justice Department is that the legislation requiring jail time was not in effect when this story went to press, let alone when Mohammed was arrested in 2003.

Still, the analysts feel that Holder remains confident he can get a conviction, otherwise he wouldn't have made such a maneuver. However, the question remains as to what would happen if Holder failed to get a conviction in the Mohammed trial.

'Setting the terrorist mastermind who orchestrated the deadliest attack on American soil loose to roam free and uninsured in the United States would be a huge black eye for the Administration and Justice Department' one legal scholar who asked to remain anonymous said. 'It would set a bad precedent and further distract from the Attorney General's investigation of the CIA and other intelligence agencies.'

BREAKING: President Obama to be Named Playmate of The Year

In a surprise announcement earlier today, Hugh Hefner announced President Barack Obama was to be named 2009 Playmate of the Year. This is widely believed to have been the first time a sitting U.S. President was awarded the honor. The award comes less than a day after President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Not Another New England Sports Blog! has also recieved multiple reports that President Obama is also a finalist for Car & Driver's Mid-Size Sedan of the Year award. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was unable to comment on the awards when contacted.

In an unguarded moment, the head of NANESB!'s crack research staff was hear to remark "Seems fair. President Obama has accomplished about as much to win Playmate of the Year as he has to win the Nobel Peace Prize"

More as this story develops.