Sunday, February 21, 2010

President Obama Offers Unconditional Apology to Prime Minister of Canada for 'Arrogant' USA Men's Hockey Victory

In a letter dated Sunday and delivered to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, President Barack Obama apologized for USA Men's Hockey 5-3 win over host country Canada.

According to sources, Obama said Team USA had "shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive" toward opponents in the tournament.

"In stopping 45 of 48 shots on goal, I believe that USA Goaltender Bode Miller acted stupidly towards the host nation and should return his ill-gotten gold medal without any further delay..." read one particularly scathing portion of the letter that Harper's office released to the public. "In this misguided and unilateral action, which is clearly a result of the failed policies of the last 8 years, Team USA has singlehandedly undone the 13 months of goodwill I have personally established with our neighbors to the north. Some of these players have shown an antipathy towards teams that are not their own, and they'll bitterly cling to their sticks or a two-goal lead."

When questioned about the letter, USA netminder Ryan Miller told NANESB! sources "Wow- really? He said that, huh? First of all, my name is Ryan. Last time I checked Bode Miller was a skier. Second- we haven't won anything yet. Tonight's game was still in the preliminaries."

The White House has reportedly been in contact with IOC officials to lobby for a belated forefit of tonight's game.

"C'mon! We got guys wearing these f*cking retarded 'Support the Troops' or Uncle Sam masks in what's supposed to be an international tournament" Rahm Emmanuel said in a conference earlier. "They can't get disqualified for that? Are you sh*tting me?"

Alpine skier Bode Miller was busy posing for pictures of him sinking his teeth into his gold medal and unavailable for comment.

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