Not Another New England Sports Blog! Presents the Gawker-Friendly October Surprise Press Kit

In the wake of the apparent Gawker fiasco involving an alleged one night stand with Delaware Senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell by an anonymous author, I though I'd offer a press kit for future 'October surprises' centering around two consenting adults who may or may not have had sex (but probably not in the instance Gawker has highlighted).....particularly if the candidate is a fairly attractive woman running for office as a Republican.

Just use this template for future press releases or disclosures to the tabloid and watch the attention you've so desperately been whoring for come crashing in like a tidal wave:

Dear [insert publication or website name here] ________________:

I never thought it could happen to a guy like me. This took place a few years ago when I was a

[] Superbowl MVP Quarterback

[] Army Force Recon SAS Ranger SEAL Commando

[] Secret Agent Billionaire Cowboy

[] Deadbeat College Student.

It was Halloween and I had been pounding

[] Jello Shooters

[] Budweiser

[] Black Tar Heroin

[] Absinthe poured into an upside down bowler hat

all afternoon when in walked my roomate's girlfriend's cousin's sister's best friend and her classmates. I could tell they all wanted me so bad, but I was all like "Yeah, whatever" as I looked up from the

[] XBox

[] Nintendo 64

[] Laser Tag

[] Gaming platform yet to be invented.

I've gotten used to it with this cursed animal magnetism of mine totally drawing the shorties to me like a moth to flame. But still, it get's annoying after awhile, and one look from my steely azure eyes let them know that I was so not interested.

But this one chick wouldn't take the hint. For her Halloween costume, she was dressed up like

[] A Ladybug

[] A Maid

[] A Bellydancer

[] That Asian Dominatrix I pay to strangle me every week.

It was a good look for her, but she threw off this sort of desperate and clingy vibe that made me uneasy. Plus I couldn't help but shake the feeling that she would some day be in the running for

[] Congress

[] US Senate

[] Governor

[] America's Top Model

on a number of issues that made this 100% red blooded and heterosexual all American ladykiller who isn't afraid to show his sensitive side more than a little nervous. At this point she asked me if she could change right there and before I could even respond, her costume was already in a heap on the floor and [sordid details redacted] _____________________________.

[insert ambiguous and unverifiable boast about your unmatched sexual prowess over hapless, naked, mousy future political candidate here _______________________.]

Then she got all clingy and would like e-mail me and text me every month and be all "The restraining order says 50 feet- why is that so hard for you to understand?" "Hey- do you wanna hang out?". This chick would seriously not leave me alone, but being well versed in the art of seducing women I had absolutely no interest in, I was used to it. I didn't give it too much though at the time until just recently when I was watching TV and saw footage of

[] Christine O'Donnell

[] Nikki Haley

[] Yulia Tymoshenko

[] Lousie Slaughter

and I was like "Oh my god! That's so totally the chick that wouldn't leave me alone!". I mean..... "That's so totally one of the many chicks who won't leave me alone because I'm so awesome in the sack that I always leave them panting for more".

Why am I writing this, you may ask? Some of you out there might think I did it for the six figure check [insert name of publication or website______] cut me while others might think this anonymous, one-sided version of events is simply self serving bragging about one-night stands to compensate for experimenting with my bunkmate at the all-boys sleepaway camp advertise my Lothario-like charms and unmatched allure to all the chicks out there. To that, all I can say is 'shame on you'.

No, my pure and unselfish reasons for doing this are to warn you of the consequences of voting for somebody I totally did.

Well...OK, technically I didn't 'do' her, but she was like right there in front of me, and her being in the same room as me is clearly an indication of her longing for an unforgettable carnal encounter with yours truly, and she probably knew I was going to ditch her anyways.

So in closing, don't forget to vote for

[] Chris Coons

[] Vincent Sheheen

[] Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

[] Keyser Soze

on November 2nd.

-Sincerely

Anonymous dude who's totally awesome in bed